New Year's Resolutions
Every year people go through this long process of making resolutions to better themselves for the upcoming year and I've often asked myself why bother. It's like when we ate breakfast on Saturday mornings when I was growing up -- my father would spend the meal talking about all of the work he was going to accomplish in the yard that day and, after eating, he'd promptly go back to bed to sleep off the manly meal we just ate. I view New Year's resolutions in the same light, i.e., grandiose dreams or ideas we have that have as much chance at materializing as a new Range Rover driven by a bikini-clad twentysomething who has a thing for middle-aged fat software engineers.
The entire process is set up for failure from the beginning, not because we just don't want to do it, but because these resolutions are supposed to solve the Big Problems in our lives. The dismal reality that we're weak, lazy, or just plain ineffectual doesn't enter into the equation until people have ridden that "I'm doing something about it!" euphoria for a while and then come crashing down from it with the sudden realization that fixing the problem is just too damn hard. Perhaps the problem isn't that we're too weak, but that we set our sights too high. Common resolutions include losing those extra 200 pounds, quitting that 3-pack a day smoking habit, etc. When hedonism goes head-to-head with something else it usually wins. So for that reason, I've come up with special resolutions for this year, ones that I think I can manage.
Edwin's No-Nonsense New Year's Resolutions for 2007
1. I'll get up and change the channel on the TV manually at least once each month.
2. I'll remember to launder my washcloth before it starts smelling like old underwear.
3. If I throw something at the garbage can and miss, I'll pick it up right then.
4. My fridge will get cleaned out at least once per month.
5. If I don't need something and will never use it again I'll donate it to charity or throw it away.
6. I'll change my sheets when I launder that washcloth.
7. I won't eat anything that has more grease than solid food in it.
8. My primary source of literary inspiration will no longer be The Onion.
9. I'll remember to flip on "Vent" and not "Heat" as I exit the bathroom.
10. I'll finally e-mail Mom's cornbread recipe to Pop.
